Dear Demire

Dear Demire,
It’s taking me a lot to write this letter and put myself out there but my friends have been suggesting that I seek some help with this issue. It’s a relationship issue that is quite painful for me that I just can’t seem to fix. Going into this I dont want to seem like just some dude concerned about love and men but I’m very serious, I don’t know what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 8 years. The relationship has been more or less good but it started under some pretty awkward circumstances. When he and I met I was dating one of his friends, and he and I hit it off in a very genuine way. I ended up cheating on my then boyfriend with him. He was single at the time. We came clean with my boyfriend and started a relationship with each other. We grew very close very fast and it was very intense. It seemed so good for the first few years but then some little things started to happen that really rubbed me the wrong way.

One night about 3 years in I woke up to use the bathroom and found him awake in the hallway going through my phone. He was reading my text messages and Facebook messages to see who I had been talking too. He said that I had been giving him weird vibes and since I had a history of cheating he wanted to see for himself. I told him that I felt it was a violation, that it was unacceptable and that this behavior will never be happening again. He got really irate and he threw my phone against the wall. Breaking it. I slept at my parents house that night, which was embarrassing. The next morning he was very nice and apologetic and already had a brand new phone for me. I did not accept this phone instead opting to get my own.

Things were good for a while and we talked about that issue and I thought it was all cleared up. He started telling me upfront when he was feeling insecure and what behaviors he was observing that made him feel that way. I thought his reasoning was always bullshit, but he was being open and honest so what more could I ask for. Things were really really good for a while and we took steps to solidify the relationship. We bought a house together, and opened a joint bank account. But shortly after this milestone he got really weird again. I was on vacation with a few friends. We went to Mexico for a week and it was a great time. However, about 3 days into the vacation he said he had an emergency and he needed me to come home early. He wouldn’t tell me what the emergency was or even the nature of his problem so I didn’t leave early. In response to my refusal he shut off access to my Card. This wasn’t a real crisis for me because I still had my own account with enough money saved up to get me through the rest of my trip. At that point I did cheat on him, and I didn’t respond to him at all for the rest of the trip.

When I got home he was very apologetic again and said he didn’t know what he was thinking. He said he was feeling insecure but didn’t have a good reason for it so he made up an emergency to try and get me home. I told him right away that I hooked-up after he pulled his mess, that it felt good and that I wanted to leave. I told him we were going to split our accounts, sell the house and go our separate ways. I told him that I was not comfortable being in a partnership with someone who was okay with the idea of leaving me stranded in Mexico because of unfounded and immature insecurities. I really wanted to be mean and hurtful.

We split for about a month and he started therapy. We ended up moving back into our house and things got better again. A lot was changing. Even some of the little things that were problematic started to change. I felt secure in the relationship again and he had forgiven me for cheating, and also for not apologizing about it. Which is true, I never apologized. We went along with our lives. I learned to not anticipate the other shoe dropping, and as soon as I let my guard down, it happened again. It was about 3 months after he left counseling. He started following me around. He left work, and followed me around, tracking my every move. He also recruited one of his friends to follow me also. I addressed this with him and threatened to leave, he pulled this surprise on me. He said that he followed me in hopes of proving once and for all that I was trustworthy. He said that he and his friends observed that I was always going where I said I was going, that I was always doing what I said I was doing. He said he felt secure to invest the rest of his life in our relationship. He proposed to me publically. It was pretty sweet and I was so caught off guard. I said yes in the moment because I didn’t know what else to do.

Finally, I fessed up about my concerns and said that I was not going to marry him until we got couples counseling. He took that as a punishment and couldn't believe that after he had worked so hard to get his shit together that I would have any reservations. He threw me being the only cheater in the relationship in my face and said I should feel lucky that he still wanted to be with me after all I had done. He gave no indication that he even recognized that he is a complete and utter psycho. I told him all plans for a wedding were off until we got into couples counseling. That’s where we are now. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

Thanks,
Kevin
(Name changed for privacy)