Thank you so much for reaching out for feedback on this issues. What you are describing sounds incredibly complex and remarkably difficult to contemplate. I can tell that you are feeling large amounts of guilt over your infidelity, and if I am to trust my own empathy there are probably feelings of anxiety, anger, and confusion as well. You appear to be at a crossroads. How should you move forward in this relationship? It’s very clear to me that you don’t want the relationship to end, but you do want this tragic behavior to cease. This is reasonable. After all, you have invested 8 years building this relationship and Sharing yourself with someone and building a life. You are in a very hard place.
Unfortunately there is nothing anyone can say to make this an easy choice. Initially I’d like to tell you that I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to request that you both go to counseling together. I think it’s a great idea. It must be incredibly invalidating for your partner to dismiss the idea that you have a perspective that you would like to work through. Stick to your guns. This is important.
Moving onward, you made a pretty powerful statement at the end of your letter to me. You said “He gave no indication that he even recognized that he is a complete and utter psycho”. So, from my perspective, it’s one thing to be a little crazy. As Mr. Anthony Perkins said (As Norman Bates) in the film “Psycho”. “We all go a little mad sometimes”, the difference is level of insight. He had enough i sight to go to therapy, but not enough to understand that his psycho has had a painful impact on your perception of the relationship. Question, do you want to be married to someone who has no insight into the impact their behavior has on you? Do you want to be married to someone who is OK with shutting off your bank account while you’re away in a foreign country?
Based on what you have shared I have this sneaking suspicion that there have been other concerns that you didn’t have time to go into in an email to an advice blog. My biggest questions to you are how does this relationship help you feel strong and capable? How does this relationship meet your values? Do not allow yourself to be stuck or taken over by this relationship.
Hope this helps,