So, here’s the thing.
I am surrounded by wonderful phenomenal women. Each day in and day out I see the pure majesty they all represent and share with the world. They possess the keys to the attainment of all things and they share this love freely.
But underneath that appears to dwell this shade. This identifiable yet unidentifiable thing that eclipses their ability to see their own power and what they are truly capable of.
It comes out in my 1 on 1 conversations with them, it comes out in group conversations. It comes out casually when we are all trying to have a good time. It must be excruciating to have so many of their experiences truncated with thoughts of all the things they are not. I witness this too. Women, I see you. While it’s true that to this day I have never been able to convince any of you what your worth is, I’m going to make another stand.
You have all fallen into a trap.
At this point if you’re reading this you understand the unrealistic expectations we place on you. We demand you look a certain way. We demand you perform a certain way. We demand you support others in a certain way. We demand that you handle stress a certain way. We demand that you emote and speak and pray a certain way. We teach you that your life is not your own. We beat you for falling short of these unrealistic expectations. We beat you physically. We beat you mentally by offering to sell you access to all the things you feel you don’t possess. The trap is...you either rise to the expectation, or we demoralize you. At some point, we taugh you how to maintain this system all on your own. Women are VERY hard on other women. Like trustees on a plantation you force each other to follow the abusive practices of an oppressive society. You have been taught that mastering this system will lead to ongoing happiness. It‘s okay. You’re a little more woke now. Be at peace. Be calm.
Now that the trap has been identified, we can break each of the parts that support its functioning.
1. The search for unending happines is the first warning sign that you are re-investing in the trap. You have been instilled with a sense of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. Now that they are here it’s likely that you will always recognize it when it shows up. It is possible to learn to be with that feeling and recognize whether or not it’s necessary or appropriate. When these show up ask yourself “Did I REALLY do something wrong?” [Guilt] if you have made a mistake, what does that guilt suggest you do? Is it something you are able to do? Maybe you won’t want to do it, but if you DID in fact make a mistake, leaning into that justifiable guilt and making amends can deepen relationships and strengthen ties. If you find that you are noticing guilt based on something that has happened in the past, or out of anxiety over a choice that you might have to make in the future...pause. Make contact with the present moment on purpose. Let yourself became aware of the here and now. Breath embrace who you are right now and notice what happens to that guilt. When it comes to shame, ask yourself “What is it that I don’t want others to see or know about me right now?” Maybe do this exercise in the mirror. Once you have identified this, consider what the worst possible outcome could be if someone was to know you in this way. Can you live with that? Why or why not?
2. Become aware of the strengths that you possess every single day. You have them. You are strong. What are they. Even if you haven’t up until this point spent time counting the miracles you perform, you can start now. Consider all the things you have gone through that have not killed you. Even if they have left you scarred and bruised you were still stronger than those events or series of events. You’re already BAD ASS! Recognize the magnificence of your manner, you are infinite in all your faculties, we just need to spend some time becoming aware of them. We need to spend some time encouraging you to become aware of them. You don’t need my permission to search out all the things that make your grand, what I am offering you is my support while you do it.
3. Now that you know how infinite you have been THIS WHOLE TIME...you can direct these qualities you possess at a goal, dream, or desire you determine for yourself based on what you want and require. YES you have requirements. Yes you are entitled to have those met. You can meet them yourself or if you so choose, you can allow someone else to meet them with you. No matter what you choose, make sure it’s grounded in your own values system.
4. Begin to regularly adopt language that uplifts you. CERTAINLY consider the impact you have on yourself when you follow a well Meaning compliment from a loved one with a self-depreciating statement. That’s not modesty or humility that’s abuse. Its the voice of a system that has conditioned you, and you don’t have to let that voice come from your own mouth. It’s Okay to acknowledge that someone else recognizes that “you got it going on” in some way. “Thank you” is a great way to practice ACCEPTANCE and learn to sit with the complex mixture of joy and vulnerability that comes from being seen.
I will stop here. But we will have this conversation again and again. In many different ways. In many different forms.
Until next time have a wonderful day. Love yourself. Let others love you. Accept nothing less than the divinity you are entitled to.