Let’s start with Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is one of the most important things that needs to be developed if we have a desire to experience any wellness at all. We all know it’s Important, and we all know when we are missing it, or when it’s not where it should be. But what is it, how is it actually defined, and when we are looking to have improved self-esteem, what are we actually looking for?
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This is a pretty big question and in the initial stages of therapy, many of my patients are not able to define it either. I think the hallmark of self-esteem is the ability to recognize and appreciate our strengths, manage our weaknesses without judgement, a desire to do the things that are important to us, and allow others to treat us in a manner that is healthy, respectful and productive. Actually, I can go on and on about the various ways self-esteem can enhance our experience, but right now, I want to talk about the things everybody can do to start to focus on themselves and how they would like to be treated.

A comedian that I find supremely hilarious, Katt Williams, said in one of his stand-up specials “you have to be in line with your star player”. Very important words right there. We are our own “Star players”, and we need to make regular contact with ourselves and what we need. It is likely when this happens that a whole host of thoughts will surface reminding us of past failures and inadequacies that we perceive in ourselves, and believe that everyone else who encounters us can also notice. Sometimes these thoughts and feelings seem like they are on a continuous loop playing over and over again like our favorite pop hit of the week, just always there, playing loudly and bringing with them painful feelings and the desire to hide from the world.

Let me ask you this: if someone else said to you all of the messed up things you have said about yourself, how would you react? “You’re a loser, and you dress like a slob, that haircut won’t help, there is no amount of foundation that can help that mug, and you should really be paying attention to...” you know. Those thoughts. Where I come from we call those “FIGHTIN’ WORDS”. Many of us would engage in some sort of conflict with another human being that spoke to us in such a painful manner. But what does each of us do, when it’s our own thoughts and feelings? Interestingly enough, many people believe these thoughts. Many people believe that because these thoughts come from themselves, and provide video evidence via memories that they must be true. Many people would be wrong.

• Our thoughts are just that. They are thoughts. We are under no obligation to believe our own thoughts no mare than we are obliged to believe the thoughts of and expression of others.

​On the other hand, it might be tempting to pull from our memories examples of things that make us worth while, successful, and glorious. It would make perfect sense on the surface level to combat painful thoughts like we would any externally generated insult. However, anyone who has tried this for a long period of time knows that for every positive thought or experience we use to combat our negative thoughts only gives rise to more painful thoughts and experiences. And now we are stuck in a loop of our own creation trying to beat our own heads into submission.

• ​Give up the ghost. It’s time to stop fighting fire with 🔥 fire. Actually, it’s time to stop fighting in general. None of us can wait for our thoughts to be legit to start caring for ourselves the way we deserve. Start caring for yourself now. It is totally possible for us to eat healthy foods and get adequate nutrition even though our thoughts think we don’t deserve it.
• You are not your thoughts and your thoughts about self-esteem are not grounded in the present moment. All the memories your brain plays to justify low self-esteem are based on the past. But guess what!? The past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead. Be the new you today.

​Each of us is a target for unrealistic expectations of beauty and success. We are all told what is not and, what is cool, what is old news, what we should eat, drink, wear, buy, or have to be a worthwhile person. All of these messages are not meant to serve or help anyone, and they often times don’t REALLY coincide with our own personal values or beliefs about what beauty, or success, or a worthwhile person is. I bet that many of you reading this have in the past, upon becoming aware of someone else’s low self-esteem have gone on a galloping rescue to liberate their suffering friend, while championing messages of hope, and beauty and divinity.

• ​Whatever you would have your bestie do for themselves when they are bummed about self-esteem, find the variation that works for you and also do it. 💖💕🌺
• Pay attention to the present moment with compassion for who you are. It’s spectacular.

At this point, many of my patients bombard me with confessions of guilt, shame, and so-called justifications for why they shouldn’t treat themselves like the treasures they are.

• ​Thats the past. The past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead. Pay attention to the present moment. Chances are, that several things are different about you now. Skins cells are likely different, blood cells are likely different, attitude about the choice you made is different. Who we are changes with the context of our lives. STAY IN THE PRESENT.
• Do what matters to you, what’s best for you, and what’s important for you. Do what works. It’s okay to enjoy it. If you like massage or want to try one go for it. (Ask me for a recommendation because I know a person). If you like to swim, make sure you have access. If you like your hair take pride in it, if you like chess, play some chess. Do the things that make you feel good. Even less then that, simple things like brushing your teeth daily and going to important medical appointments represent good self-esteem, getting yourself a new outfit every once in a while demonstrates good self-esteem. LOOKING YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR is a good way to assess whether or not you treat yourself like your own star player.

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I’ll stop here with a gentle reminder to give up the fight against your own thoughts and feelings and let your own actions speak louder than your thoughts and feelings ever good. To get started with treating yourself well, I’ll leave you with this. Get yourself a Q-tip, put a little bit of lotion on the tip (I like aveeno), and go ahead and clean your ears like that. I call it an “Ear-gasm”. Try it out and thank me in the morning. #LoveMeToday
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